


I Spun and I Stood

by julia_wicker_the_goddess



Series: Disability Awareness [4]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Chronic Illness, F/F, Major Illness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:21:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25095286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julia_wicker_the_goddess/pseuds/julia_wicker_the_goddess
Summary: Octavia and Raven go on a hiking trip together. What starts as a scrape Octavia got in the woods turns into something bigger than she ever could have imagined.
Relationships: Octavia Blake/Raven Reyes
Series: Disability Awareness [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1396432
Comments: 9
Kudos: 28





	1. I Spun and I Stood

**Author's Note:**

> There's a good amount of medical descriptions in this fic, so if you're super squeamish, this may not be the one for you.

Octavia unzips the door of the tent and climbs out into the cool mountain air. It’s day 3 of her and Raven’s 4-day hike in the Appalachian mountains. She had had to talk her girlfriend into it. Not that Raven doesn’t enjoy hiking; she loves it. But she had been worried about Octavia. It’s been 7 years since she was diagnosed with Lupus. It’s fairly well handled currently, but it’s difficult for her to figure out when a flare is going to come on and if she overworks herself, she can crash for days. She feels fine, though. The hiking has been amazing and she’s been keeping up with her meds and listening to her body. She can tell Raven is enjoying it too. She’s an outdoorsy lesbian if there ever was one. With her disability, they have to take it slower than some of the other hikers out on the trail, but they enjoy their pace.

“Where ya headed, O?” Raven yells from the tent.

“Gotta purify some water for breakfast.”

“Hurry up. I’m cold without you.”

“Okay.”

Octavia walks down to the spring with their water purifier and starts pumping water into Raven’s Nalgene. It takes 15 minutes to pump water into both bottles and then she starts climbing up the embankment to their tent. She’s a bit unsteady without her hands to help her climb, and she loses her footing and slides downward, the leg of her boot-cut pants riding up as she slips down the dirt and rocks. She struggles to her feet, panting. Her leg stings and when she looks down she sees blood dripping down from a large abrasion on her shin. Sighing, she returns to the spring to wash out the wound. It’s surprisingly painful and she has to bite back a whimper as she picks pine needles and pebbles out of it. She covers it with a clean buff from her backpack and pulls her pant leg down over it. She decides not to tell Raven about it; she’d just worry. 

When she finally gets back up to the tent, Raven is outside taking down the food they tied up in the tree the night before.

“What took you so long?”

“Morning sleepies.”

“You know, as fun as this trip has been, I’m looking forward to something besides oatmeal for breakfast.”

“Me too.”

Raven boils water over their camp stove while Octavia breaks down the tent and puts it in her backpack. They eat their oatmeal standing up, then go down to the spring to wash their dishes. 

It’s their last day on the trail and Octavia is going to miss it. She had wanted to hike for a week, but neither of them could miss that much work and it probably wouldn’t have been a great thing for O’s health anyway. They hike for a few hours, then stop for a lunch of protein bars and bananas, then hike some more. Octavia is feeling worn out, and the leg she scraped is throbbing and feels hot. Her hiking slows down to the point that Raven notices.

“Honey, you’re hiking at grandma speed.”

“I know. Sorry.”

“It’s fine. You feeling okay?”

“Yeah, just tired.”

“Alright. But try and pick up the pace, Ethel.”

Octavia smirks and keeps hiking.

They make it back to Raven’s SUV in the late afternoon, both exhausted. Hoisting their packs into the trunk, they fill their water bottles from the water fountain at the edge of the trail and start their 3 hour car journey back home. They of course stop for fast food. How could they not? Raven gets a burger, Octavia gets chicken fingers, and they split an extra-large thing of fries. They listen to the Clash and Violent Femmes on the stereo and revel in the comfort of the padded seats.

As they get into their city, Raven asks if Octavia wants to stop for groceries. The woman is feeling achy and exhausted, so she says she’ll go tomorrow. Despite her exhaustion, Octavia helps Raven unload the packs, sorting out laundry, garbage, dishes, medications, and camping supplies to put back into storage. Raven gets in the shower, and Octavia almost joins her before remembering the wound under her pants. She doesn’t want Raven to worry, especially since Octavia didn’t tell her about it before. So she decides to finish putting things in order around the house until Raven is out of the shower. Then, she gets into the bathroom, closes the door, and strips off her dirty clothes. Her leg is still wrapped in the buff, and as she pulls it off, the scab that had formed comes with it. She shakes with pain and looks down to see that the wound has opened up and is weeping clear liquid and blood. She gets into the shower, planning to wash it out with a soapy loofah, but she can barely stand the hot water on it. Her hair and the rest of her body are quickly washed, and then she’s out of the shower, gingerly drying the wound with her towel--leaving a red stain behind--and wrapping it in gauze with antibacterial cream from the first aid kit. She pulls on her leggings and tank top and exits the bathroom, collapsing into bed next to Raven.

“I’m going to miss you, babe,” Raven whispers into her hair, snaking an arm around her waist.

“‘Miss you too.” She murmurs before falling asleep. Raven is headed on a four-day trip to visit NASA with her cohort of aerospace engineering grad students. She had packed before they left for their hiking trip so that she’d be all ready to go when they came back.

Raven gets up to leave for her flight at 5am the next morning. Octavia has to get up an hour and a half later to be ready for the 8:00am class she teaches. She’s an anthropology grad student and is teaching the 101 course. Pulling on a pair of pants, a shirt, and her leather jacket, she stumbles into the kitchen to grab a granola bar and start the coffee brewing. She moves into the bathroom and wrangles her bedhead into a ponytail, then washes her face and puts on mascara and a few dabs of concealer. Her shin is still pretty sore, but she doesn’t have time to check it before she leaves. She rides her motorcycle to campus and gets to her classroom to set up.

The class goes without incident, though she’s still tired from the trip. She attends a lecture and tries her best not to nod off, then sits at her desk for her office hours. Sipping at a cup of coffee, she tries her best to stay awake. Getting up to stretch, she sees a member of her cohort, Niylah, in the next office. She leaves her door open and walks over to Niylah’s desk.

“Hey.”

“Hey, how was your trip?”

“Good. It was super fun. Nice to get out into nature after all the time indoors this Fall.”

The other woman nods. “Are you feeling okay?”

“I’m a little tired.”

“You look it.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“You’re not going into a flare, are you?” Niylah had seen her go downhill last Fall when her immune system decided it was a great time to start attacking her kidneys. With enough prednisone, she had finally stopped peeing blood by the beginning of Winter break. It had been incredibly hard to keep up in school, and Niylah had been a big help, recording lectures for her and giving her notes.

“Nah, nothing like that.”

“Okay. Just take care of yourself.”

Octavia nods, then goes back to her office, seeing a student waiting by the door.

  
  


When she’s finally home for the day, she doesn’t have enough energy to even take off her pants before climbing into bed. The pain in her shin is still nagging at her, but she’s tired enough to ignore it and fall asleep.

The next couple of days go without much incident. Octavia’s tiredness gets better and she meets with her advisor to go over some aspects of the thesis she’s writing. Then Thursday comes. Octavia wakes up shivering. She realizes she’s soaked in sweat, and pulls off the covers, quaking as she hurries over to the bathroom. Stripping off her damp clothes, she turns on the shower, shaking as the water warms up. Finally, she can hop in. She’s tired, and ends up sitting down and letting the hot water envelop her. She realizes her bandage is getting soaked, so she pulls it off, finding something yellow oozing out of the scab. Making a face, she carefully washes the wound with a washcloth and some soap.

When she finally gets out, she’s still cold, though her body is bright red from the heat. She sees that her shin is still weeping and sighs, covering it with antibacterial cream and gauze before pulling on a bathrobe. She should probably go in and get it checked out, but urgent care isn’t open yet, since it’s only 2am. It can wait till morning. Hurriedly, she pulls on fleecy pajama pants, a long-sleeved t-shirt, a sweatshirt, and a pair of fuzzy socks. She dives into bed, shivering. Damn this drafty apartment.

  
  


She wakes up a few more times, alternating between sweating and shivering, but too exhausted to do much besides pull the covers back or put them back on again. Luckily, she doesn’t teach or take classes on tuesdays, so she doesn’t worry about what time it is. Her neck feels stiff and she thinks she must have slept on it wrong.

When she finally gets up from bed again, it’s to run to the bathroom and throw up. It’s then that she realizes she has a migraine. Splitting pain is coursing through the right side of her head. The room spins when she gets up, and she stumbles back to bed, groaning as she pulls the thermometer out of the drawer of her nightstand. She has a fever of 102 degrees, and she pops a few ibuprofen, downing it with a few gulps of water before falling again into an exhausted sleep. 

She wakes up and looks at her phone to discover it’s 4 in the afternoon. She can barely move her neck now. Damn her shitty joints. She’s still cold and achy, and suddenly saliva wells up in her mouth and she’s throwing up in the trash can next to the bed. When she’s done, she wants to take her temperature, but forgets in her exhaustion and falls back asleep.

Octavia wakes again to cool hands pushing her hair out of her face. It’s getting dark outside.

“Hey love. You okay?” It’s Raven’s voice.

“Migraine.” She murmurs. Her neck feels so stiff. She wonders if she’ll need a cortisone shot in it.

“I’m sorry, sweets.” She puts a hand to Octavia’s sweaty forehead. “You’re really hot.”

“I know,” she says, smirking.

“No, you’re burning up, O. Have you taken your temperature?”

“Not for a while.” She winces as the bedside lamp seems to flash like a strobe light when Raven turns it on. Raven grabs the thermometer from the bathroom and puts it under Octavia’s tongue, waiting for it to beep before reading it. She looks at it, and it says 105 degrees. At first, she thinks it must be an error, but feeling Octavia’s forehead and neck, she’s not so sure.

“Honey, we should bring you in.”

“Yeah. I’ve puked a couple of times. My hands feel weird.” She lifts, them looking at her palms, then suddenly falls limp.

Raven rolls her eyes.

“O, stop messing around.” She shakes her gently, chuckling. “Octavia, seriously.”

The girl doesn’t move, then suddenly tenses.

“Octavia?”

Her eyes look up sharply to the left. She starts making a noise in her throat and jerking, and that’s when Raven realizes she’s having a seizure. She leverages Octavia over onto her side and watches helplessly.

“It’s okay, O. It’s alright, baby.” Octavia probably can’t hear her, but she doesn’t care. Raven props her up with pillows so she doesn’t fall off the bed, then runs to the kitchen, where her bag is. She rifles through it as she hurries to the bedroom, where Octavia is making choking noises.

“It’s okay, honey. It’s going to be okay.” She finally finds her phone and calls 911, holding her girlfriend’s shaking body with her free arm.

“911, what is the address of your emergency?”

Raven rattles off the address, then explains what’s going on. The dispatcher says she’ll send an ambulance over. It’s another 8 minutes before someone comes, and Octavia hasn’t stopped seizing. She’s starting to turn purple, and Raven is terrified. Finally, someone knocks on her door and she quickly gets up to answer it, leading the emergency responders to the bedside. 

“It hasn’t stopped since I called. That was 8 minutes ago. Almost 9. She’s on immunosuppressants for Lupus and has a fever of 105. She said she had a migraine.”

The EMTs assess the situation, then give Octavia an injection of something. She goes limp almost immediately.

“Is she going to be okay?” Raven asks.

One of the EMTs puts a pulse oximetry monitor on Octavia’s finger and glances at her hand.

“Hey, look at her hand.” There are purple splotches on it, and Raven and the other EMT stare.

“We gotta get her in. This could be septic shock.”

They lift Octavia onto a stretcher, strap her in, and carry her out of the apartment and down the stairs.

In the ambulance, one of the EMTs gets an oxygen mask strapped over Octavia’s face while another starts an IV. They ask Raven more questions as they travel. 

When they get there a nurse holds Raven back as Octavia is wheeled away.

“What’s happening? I need to be with her!”

“The doctors are going to do a work-up, then you can be with her. In the meantime, I’ll have you fill out some paperwork.”

She watches the hallway long after Octavia is wheeled away, as if any moment she might come bounding back in.

Raven sits in the waiting room, nervously fiddling with the clasp on her leg brace. After 20 minutes, she walks up to the desk.

“I want to know how Octavia Blake is.”

“I can ask her doctor to speak with you when they’re available.”

“She could be dying. Please.” Her voice cracks.

“I’m sorry ma’am, I don’t know anything till I know it.”

She goes back to her seat and pulls her phone out of her pocket, looking through her contact list for someone to call. Both her and Octavia’s parents are not in the picture. Finally, she decides to call Clarke. 

The med student answers on the second ring.

“Hey, my phone anxiety is not happy that you called instead of texted.”

“Octavia had a seizure.”

“What?”

“I came home from my trip and she had a fever and she was acting weird and then she just started seizing. I called 911.”

“Is it related to her Lupus?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I’m so scared.”

“Where are you?”

“Memorial.”

“Alright, I’m coming.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course. Be there in a half-hour.”


	2. And I looked back at the good

Raven is finally ushered back to Octavia’s room in the ER five minutes after she hangs up with Clarke. Octavia is unconscious on the bed with an oxygen mask on and two IVs, one attached to a larger bag of fluids, one attached to a small bag. A doctor is examining a very red, oozing wound on Octavia’s shin.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Jackson.”

“Raven. I’m Octavia’s girlfriend.”

“Nice to meet you. Is there anything you can tell me about when and where Octavia got this wound?”

“I… I don’t know. Probably on our camping trip last weekend. She didn’t tell me about it. Probably thought I’d worry.”

“Where were you hiking?”

“The Appalachian trail.”

The doctor nods. “Beautiful trail. This is infected. It may be the source of her problems. We’ve taken some blood and the numbers indicate a major infection. We’re going to need to do a lumbar puncture to check her cerebral spinal fluid.”

Raven nods, speechless.

The doctor leaves, and a few minutes later, Clarke arrives.

“Hi.”

Raven looks up. She looks like she’s going to crack into a million pieces.

“What have they said?”

“They took a bunch of blood and took her vitals. They said some of her numbers are off and they need to do a lumbar puncture.”

Clarke nods.

“Do you know what it is?”

Clarke is a second-year med student. She doesn’t know everything but certainly knows more than Raven about what could be going on with Octavia.

“They’re probably thinking it’s meningitis. It’s an infection that causes swelling in the membranes around the brain and spinal cord.”

Raven’s mouth tremors. Octavia moans from the bed and they both turn to her.

“O, it’s Raven. You waking up?”

Octavia lets out a dry sob as she squints her eyes open, shielding her eyes with a hand.

“She said she had a migraine.” Raven goes over and turns off the lights. “How are you feeling, baby?”

She groans.

“You’re at the hospital. You’re going to be okay.”

Just then a team comes in.

“Alright, we’re going to do this lumbar puncture now,” says Dr. Jackson. “Octavia, I’ll leave while you change into this gown. Then we’re going to position you and have you lay very still. I’ll give you a local anesthetic and then I’ll put a needle in your spine and aspirate some of your cerebral spinal fluid.”

“I’ll wait outside,” Clarke says.

Raven and a nursing assistant help Octavia change. She’s floppy and incoherent the whole time. When they turn the lights on, she whimpers.

“It’s going to be okay, O,” Raven says, holding her hand tightly.

Octavia looks to her girlfriend desperately, clinging onto her hand.

The lumbar puncture couldn’t be considered comfortable by any stretch of the imagination and takes a long time. When they’re done, the nurse checks Octavia’s vitals.

“Blood pressure’s 64/43.”

“Is that bad?”

“It’s concerning. I’m going to let your doctor know.”

Raven texts Clarke that they’re done with the procedure and she comes back in, the doctor on her heels.

“Raven, we’re going to move Octavia to the intensive care unit. That way she can be monitored more closely.”

“What’s wrong with her?”

“I believe Octavia has meningitis. It’s a kind of infection that in this case is fungal. It has spread into her bloodstream and is making her extremely sick. We call it sepsis. It’s causing disseminated intravascular coagulation or DIC, which is abnormal clotting. It’s also causing pressure build up in her brain, which is what caused the seizure. Her body is struggling to fight against this because of the immunosuppressants she’s on. We’re giving her antifungal medication, anti-clotting meds, something to try to reduce the swelling in her brain and we’re trying to lower her fever.”

“Is she going to be okay?”

“I hope so. It is concerning that she has DIC. That is a sign of more advanced sepsis. We are doing everything we can to help her fight this.”

Raven numbly follows the nurses wheeling Octavia to the elevator and up to the ICU. 

About 10 minutes after they get Octavia upstairs, she starts making repetitive movements, her face twitching and her arm jerking to one side.

“Oh honey,” Raven says, tearing up as she watches her girlfriend seize. Clarke presses the call button and a nurse is over in moments, paging the doctor. For several minutes, the doctor and nurse watch and wait, making sure that Octavia doesn’t choke or injure herself. The seizure stops before they have to intervene, and a nurse wipes the bloody foam off of Octavia’s mouth. Raven is in tears, and Clarke holds her tightly.

“It’s going to be okay. She’s strong.”

“What if she’s not strong enough?”

“Then I’ll be here with you.”

  
  


A half hour later, she has another seizure and they end up having to give her drugs to stop it when it lasts too long and her oxygen levels plummet. They put high flow oxygen through a thick plastic tube that travels to Octavia’s nostrils. Clarke rubs Raven’s back as she cries.

“I can’t lose her. I can’t.”

“I know,” Clarke says gently.

The ICU doctor, Dr Finley, says he’s considering putting a shunt in Octavia’s brain to relieve the pressure. 

  
  
  


They take more blood a few hours later, sometime around midnight, and Octavia’s red blood cell count is low and kidney numbers are abysmal. Before long a nurse comes back with a pint of blood that she hangs on Octavia’s IV pole and attaches to her IV. She looks down at Octavia’s elbow and her eyes widen slightly. She stops the IV pump and quickly leaves the room. Raven hurriedly goes to look and sees a large dark purple splotch on the inside of her elbow.

“What is it?” Raven asks Clarke.

“It’s the DIC. The clotting problem. Her vein blew. They’re probably going to want to place a central line. Rae… she might end up losing fingers or toes. Maybe even a whole arm or leg.”

“What?!”

“The clotting and bleeding out prevents oxygen from getting where it needs to go. Right now her fingers look okay, but if they can’t get this DIC under control, there won’t be any open vasculature carrying blood to her fingers, or wherever.” Clarke lifts the blankets to check Octavia’s feet and bites her lip. Raven looks too and there’s a large, dark purple splotch on one of her feet and smaller splotches on the other.

Raven sits down and puts her head in her hands. 

“Why is this happening?”

“I don’t know.” 

Twenty minutes later, Octavia is hauled off to insert a central line. She comes back a while later sporting a central line with multiple lumens sprouting from her neck. Raven has a hard time looking at it. Her girlfriend has so much medical paraphernalia attached to her she’s starting to be unrecognizable. 

“This’ll help her,” Clarke reminds her. “It’ll help them get the medicine where it needs to go.”

“Clarke, is she gonna die?”

“I don’t know.”

Raven’s mouth quivers and she shakily accepts a hug from Clarke. She can’t help but think back to when Octavia had first been diagnosed with lupus.

_ They had been in high school. Octavia had started getting rashes and joint pain. Doctors had dismissed her, saying it was eczema and fibromyalgia. Then she had what doctors thought was a UTI, which lead to her being hospitalized for two weeks because it turned out her body was attacking her kidneys and she just about went into renal failure. That was when she was diagnosed with lupus, and she had been so relieved that she had cried. She wasn’t happy that she had a chronic illness, but she was happy to know what it was and have the doctors believe that she was really sick. They had put her on steroids and a chemotherapy medication that eventually saved her from going into kidney failure but left her immunocompromised. Raven and Octavia had only been friends at the time, but it was still absolutely terrifying for Raven to see Octavia so sick. _

  
  


Her mind drifts again to how they had fallen in love.

  
  


_ Raven had come out as gay Sophomore year of high school. All her friends had been totally cool with it. Her mom, on the other hand, was not. After a year and a half of fighting and name-calling, she had kicked Raven out. Octavia’s family took her in till she could find a place on her own. She had a summer birthday, so she was eighteen, but she hadn’t been prepared for the hardships of being an adult. Octavia had stayed overnight with her the first night at her apartment. Luckily, they lived in a town with low cost-of-living, so the place wasn’t too sketchy, but it had still been scary being all alone. Fortunately, she was recruited out of college by a professor of an aerospace engineering program at one of the state universities, and she had gotten a full-ride scholarship because of her perfect SAT score. Octavia joined the same university in the anthropology department and they lived in a suite together with Raven rooming with Clarke and Octavia rooming with Lexa. Freshman year at college, Octavia had realized she was bisexual.  _

_ She and Raven went to GSA together and helped coordinate the queer prom at their college. Neither had a significant other at the time, so they ended up going to the event together. They danced to the fun, fast music and then when “Sea of Love” came on, they continued. Octavia’s arms were around Raven’s neck, Raven’s around her waist. Near the end of the song, Octavia had instinctively leaned in and kissed Raven’s soft lips. _

_ “Shit.” Octavia whispered, eyes wide. _

_ “O--” _

_ The girl bolted. Raven tried to follow her, but with her leg and dress, it was no good. She went to Octavia and Lexa’s dorm that night and knocked at the door, but there was no reply. When she went back to her own room, she found a sock on the door. It was obvious from the sounds coming from inside that Clarke and Lexa were getting it on. Sighing, she trudged down to the study room at the end of the hall. She ended up sleeping there that night. _

_ The next day was a Saturday, and when she finally got back into her room and asked Lexa if she had seen Octavia, the woman replied that O had left for the weekend. Raven moped around that weekend, unable to focus on schoolwork. Monday morning, she showed up at Octavia’s door at 7:30am with coffee and donuts. Lexa answered the door. _

_ “Hey,” she whispered. _

_ “Hey, is Octavia there?” _

_ “Yeah. She came in last night.” _

_ “How’s she doing?” _

_ She made a face. _

_ “Can I see her?” _

_ “I don’t know if that’s a great idea.” _

_ “Please.” _

_ Lexa sighed and opened the door, letting Raven pass. Octavia’s eyes were red and puffy and she was trying to cover the circles under her eyes with concealer. _

_ “Hey, O.” Raven said simply. _

_ The girl turned, looking terrified. It was like they hadn’t known each other for years and told each other everything and shared a bed at sleepovers. _

_ “Look, I’m sorry, okay?” _

_ “You don’t have to be.” _

_ “I ruined our friendship.” _

_ “No you didn’t.” _

_ “I didn’t?” _

_ “No. Look, I don’t know if that kiss was you saying you want something more or if it was just a heat of the moment thing. Either way, it’s fine. Either way, I still want you in my life.” _

_ “You do?” _

_ “Of course I do, idiot.” Raven slung her arms around Octavia, and the girl let out a nervous laugh. _

_ “So… which was it?” _

_ “Huh?” _

_ “Do you want more, or was that just a fluke?” _

_ “Um… I--I’m not sure yet.” _

_ “That’s okay. Keep me posted.” _

_ Octavia nodded quickly, and Raven handed her the coffee and donut. _

_ “I’ve gotta go to class. But we’re cool, yeah?” _

_ “Yeah.” _

  
  


_ It was almost a month later when Octavia finally came back to the conversation. They were sitting at a coffee house studying for finals when Octavia blurted out “I think it meant something.” _

_ “What?” Raven looked up at her, eyes adjusting to not staring intently at a screen. _

_ “Um, uh… That kiss. At the queer prom.” Octavia said tremulously. _

_ “It meant something?” _

_ “Yeah. At least, I think so.” _

_ “What did it mean?” _

_ “It meant… that I like you. As more than a friend. But you being my friend is top priority, so if you don’t feel the same way, it’s okay. I’m sorry if I’m making this weird and I--” _

_ Raven cut her off with a kiss. Octavia’s eyes opened wide and she stared at her, completely dumbstruck. _

_ “I like you too.” _

_ “Oh!” She was shaking with nerves and excitement. _

_ “Octavia, do you want to be my girlfriend?” _

_ “Yes.” She said without hesitation. _

_ “Okay.” _

  
  


Raven snaps out of her day dream when Octavia’s heart monitor starts alarming and nurses and doctors gather around her rapidly. 

“Clarke, what’s happening?”

“She’s coding. Her heart stopped.”

  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. And I remembered seeing ghosts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: there's a somewhat graphic gory description in this chapter. I've marked the paragraph off with asterisks so you can skip it if you need to.

A nurse ushers Raven and Clarke out of the room while a doctor is busy trying to resuscitate Octavia.

Raven watches the door silently, pacing back and forth in the hall.

Finally, the doctor comes out.

“We’ve stabilized her.”

Raven lets out the breath she was holding.

“I’m giving her high dose steroids to try to kick her body into gear. She’s currently intubated to make sure she stays consistently oxygenated. I’m going to check her current intracranial pressure with another lumbar puncture and if it’s high, I’m going to place a shunt.”

“Do you think she’s going to make it?”

“This infection is putting her through her paces. I hope that with continued monitoring and treatment we can get her through this infection, but there are no guarantees.”

Raven nods and goes into the room, where a nurse is getting Octavia ready for her lumbar puncture. Octavia has a tube going into her mouth, held in place by a strap around her face; one more piece of medical equipment to add to the many she’s already hooked to. The doctor does the puncture and the pressure measures high enough that he decides to place the shunt. Raven hadn’t really processed that it’s actual brain surgery before signing the papers and watching Octavia be whisked off.

  
  


The procedure is supposed to take about 90 minutes. Raven checks her phone and sees a Facebook message from Niylah.

**Niylah: Hey Raven, I noticed Octavia didn’t come to study group today. She seemed a little off on Monday. Is she alright?**

Raven types up a response.

**Raven: Hey, Octavia is actually in the hospital right now. She has an infection and is pretty sick. Good vibes are appreciated.**

She receives a message back shortly.

**Niylah: I’m so sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can bring for you guys? Sending good vibes! <3**

**Raven: I think we’re okay right now. Thanks though.**

Raven nervously cycles between social media apps and chats with Clarke till Octavia comes out of surgery. A nurse wheels Octavia into the room about 2 hours later. 

“How’s she doing?”

“The surgery went well. Now we’ll just be monitoring her.”

Octavia has two bandaged areas on her head and Raven looks at them and notices a shaved area on her head. 

“Well, I guess O is fulfilling her fantasy of shaving half her head.”

Clarke smiles.

“You know, things will probably be quiet for a few hours. Why don’t you take a rest?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’ll wake you up if a doctor comes in. Here,” Clarke goes into one of the cupboards and grabs a sleep mask and earplugs and hands them to Raven. “Just take a rest. You’re in for a long haul.”

Raven takes her advice.

Even though she doesn’t end up sleeping, she at least rests for a bit. When she takes off the mask and earplugs a few hours later, Clarke is working on her laptop.

“Did you sleep?”

She shakes her head. “I rested, anyway.”

Clarke nods.

“Any updates?”

“Blood pressure’s up a little bit.”

“How’s her circulation?”

Clarke looks dubious. “Take a look at her right foot.”

Raven gets up and pulls the blanket off of Octavia’s still form. All her toes of her right foot are black. There’s purple and brown discoloration creeping up the foot.

“Is she going to lose her toes?”

“I don’t know. I wish I did.” Clarke says, standing up. “I’m going to the cafeteria. What do you want there?”

“Nothing, I’m fine.”

“It’s breakfast time. You should eat.”

“Fine. Get me a granola bar or something.”

Clarke nods and heads out the door.

A nurse comes in to check Octavia’s vitals.

“How’s she doing,” Raven asks the nurse.

“102.5 degree fever this morning. Seems like our patient’s body is still fighting pretty hard, but it’s not a dangerous temperature. We’d like to see it lower sometime today or tomorrow. Her blood pressure is still low, but improved from where it was.”

Clarke comes back 20 minutes later with a granola bar, banana, and cup of coffee for Raven.

“Bless you.”

Clarke smirks. “Have you called in sick for school?”

“Shit. No.”

“You should get on that.”

Raven nods, but realizes her phone died while she slept.

“Do you have a--”

“Charger? Mhm.”

“Thanks Clarke. You really are a life-saver.”

“I figured out these things watching patients. I just wish we weren’t on this side of things right now.”

“Me too.”

Raven emails the school to let her professors and Octavia’s advisor know while Clarke opens the blinds. Eventually, Clarke convinces Raven to use the toothbrush and toothpaste in the bathroom and to do something about her messy bedhead too. Clarke has to leave for work, but promises to come back as soon as she gets done.

  
  


The day drags on without much changing. Raven doesn’t get a straight answer about Octavia’s circulation. She makes the mistake of googling Octavia’s illness and almost instantly regrets it as she reads about deaths and mutli-limb amputees. She pulls out her laptop and half-heartedly works on a technical paper she had been working on. 

Clarke comes back in the evening and brings Chinese takeout with her.

“How’s our girl?”

“Hanging in there. Not much has changed.”

“It’ll take some time for her body to start to heal.” Clarke passes her a fork and a plate and Raven serves herself some fried rice and orange chicken.

“Have you gotten up at all today? I know your hip bothers you when you don’t keep moving.”

“That’s a good point,” Raven says, sighing. “I’ll go for a walk when we’re done eating. Clarke, thanks for being here.”

“Of course. You guys are my closest friends. I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”

**

Raven gets up and goes for a walk around the hospital while Clarke stays and promises to text her if anything happens. Clarke does end up texting, saying the wound team is coming to talk about Octavia’s DIC and her skin. A few minutes after she goes back to the room, Doctor Finley and two nurses come into the room.

“Hi Raven. These nurses are with our wound team. They’re here to check Octavia and remove any dead tissue from her DIC. It’s necrotic, which means it’s prematurely dead due to some abnormal cell functioning, and if it’s not removed, it can actually spread more rapidly.”

Raven nods. The nurses prepare a table with equipment get on gloves, masks, and gowns.

They soon get to work with forceps and scalpels, scraping and pulling off dead tissue. At first, Raven watches, thinking she’ll be able to handle being in the room while the nurses do this. And then one of the nurses pulls off Octavia’s pinky toe. Raven barely makes it into the hall before her dinner makes a reappearance into a nearby trash bin. Clarke comes out to offer her some water.

“God, I can’t ever unsee that.”

Clarke nods, rubbing her back reassuringly.

**

“Why don’t you take a lap or two, and I’ll text you when they’re done?”

Raven nods and starts walking. She goes down to the gift shop and browses for a while and then walks by the cafe and stops in a hallway with large observation windows. She checks her phone; still no word from Clarke. 

She stares out at the marshy land behind the hospital. It’s evening, but there’s still a little daylight left. She halfway considers going outside to walk on the path, but shakes her head, remembering that her girlfriend is upstairs fighting for her life and she should stay nearby. Instead, she sits down on one of the chairs by the cafe. There’s someone playing piano in the lobby and she listens to the classical music, watching a pair of geese make their way through some of the tall grass outside. Nature has always given her a sense of peace and today is no exception. She takes a few slow breaths, letting some of the tension fall away from her shoulders and watches the wind blow through the grass. Her eyelids begin to grow heavy, and she allows herself to doze off.


	4. And I remembered being tiny

Raven wakes up to her phone ringing. She’s disoriented and a little sore from her awkward sleeping position. She answers it. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey, just wondering if you’re doing okay. I texted two hours ago.” It’s Clarke.

Raven gets up quickly. 

“Sorry, I fell asleep. Any doctor updates?”

“Nope.” 

“Alright, I’m coming your way.”

  
  


When Raven makes it up to the room, she finds Octavia still asleep and Clarke reading. 

“I’m glad you could sleep a little.”

Raven nods. “How many toes did she lose?”

Clarke makes a grim expression. “All of her toes on her right foot, 3 on the left.”

Raven’s face contorts as she struggles not to cry. 

“Is she going to be able to walk?”

“For sure. She’ll need some PT, but she’ll figure it out.”

Raven wipes her eyes. “She’s okay, that’s what’s important.”

“Right.”

  
  
  


Octavia opens her eyes for the first time since being in the ICU the next morning. Clarke has gone home for the night and Raven is awake and doing homework at 8am when she sees Octavia’s hand move a bit. 

“O?” She scoots nearer so she can take Octavia’s purple splotched hand in hers. 

Octavia’s eyes blink open and she looks at Raven. She’s sedated so that she’ll stay relaxed since she’s still on the ventilator. 

“Hi baby, you’re alright.” Raven reaches in and kisses Octavia’s forehead. Octavia squeezes her hand. 

“You’re pretty sick, love, but you’ll be okay. You’re so strong.”

Octavia’s eyelids start to get heavy again and she slips back into sleep. Even though it was just for a moment, Raven is reassured knowing that Octavia had been awake.

The next day, after examining Octavia, the doctor sits down with Raven. Clarke is there because it’s still early morning.

“Raven, we’re going to need to amputate Octavia’s feet and part of her legs.”

“I thought she was getting better.” Raven can’t process what the doctor had just said.

“She’s still very unstable and the infection is doing a lot of damage.”

She puts her head in her hands.

“I wouldn’t suggest it unless it was absolutely necessary. The necrosis is spreading up her legs and could easily kill her if left unchecked.”

She’s so exhausted from fighting for Octavia’s life. She nods into her hands.

“Alright, we’ll do the surgery in about an hour.”

The doctor leaves, and Clarke rubs Raven’s back for a few minutes.

“Rae, you okay if I take some pictures of Octavia’s feet?”

“What? Why?”

“She won’t get to say goodbye to them. It might be helpful when she’s getting used to them being gone to have a picture of when they were still there and to see why they had to go.”

Raven nods. Clarke exposes Octavia’s feet from under the covers and they both look at the black skin. The tissue is clearly dead, and Raven feels nauseous.

“I have to go to work. Lexa said she might stop by today if that’s alright. Maybe this morning.”

“Yeah, that’s fine. Thanks for everything, Clarke.”

“Of course. Hang in there.”

It’s Octavia’s second surgery in 3 days, and as nurses whisk her off to pre-op, Raven can’t help but think of her own surgery when she was younger.

_ She had been 14, crossing the street near dark on her way home from a friend’s house. She and her mom lived on the edge of an area with a lot of gang activity. That day, she had the misfortune of being in the same area as two members of rivaling gangs. There had been a drive-by shooting, and she had been on the other side of one of the cars. She remembers waking up hyperventilating in an ambulance, an oxygen mask over her face. The EMTs were using words and acronyms she didn’t understand. One of them finally realized she was awake and talked to her. Told her everything would be fine. It didn’t feel fine. Her back and stomach hurt so badly she couldn’t breathe and she couldn’t feel her legs. _

_ When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her she had a bullet in her spine. They brought her into surgery pretty quickly. When she woke up, she still couldn’t feel her right leg. _

_ Octavia came to visit her in the hospital almost every day. She would bring cards or board games to keep Raven’s mind off the fear and pain. She had to work on PT for months, first in the hospital, then at home before she could walk. She had hoped that feeling would eventually come back to her right leg, but it never did.  _

She ruminates over memories of discomfort after her injury for a long while before there’s a knock on the door. It’s Lexa.

“Hello, Raven.”

“Hey.”

“How are you doing?”

“I’m... hanging in there.”

“Are you? From what Clarke has told me, Octavia has been having quite a rough go of it.”

“Yeah, it’s been a lot.”

“Clarke texted me that she’s having surgery this morning?”

Raven nods.

“What for? If you don’t mind my asking.”

“She lost all the circulation in her feet. The tissue is dead. They have to amputate.” Her voice is flat.

“Wow... I’m so sorry. She’s been having a really rough go.”

She nods. “

Thanks for your understanding with Clarke being here so much.”

“Of course. I know you and Octavia don’t have family you can really lean on right now. We’re the next best thing.”

Raven nods. She hasn’t had contact with her mom since being kicked out of her house. Octavia had lived with her brother from the time she was 8, but they’ve been estranged since she was 19. 

“I brought some snacks and stuff to keep you busy while you’re in the hospital.” She proffers a bag filled with granola bars, gummy bears, a book of short stories of lesser known women in science, and a car magazine. 

Raven smiles. 

“You know me too well.”

“I mean, we were suitemates.”

“And roommates of each other’s girlfriends.”

Lexa nods, smiling.

“I have to get going. I have a lecture at 10. Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you guys, okay?”

Raven nods and accepts Lexa’s hug before she leaves.

  
  


Octavia comes back from surgery an hour and a half after that with bandaged legs. Her right leg stops near the ankle, the left one stops at her knee.

“Hi sweetheart,” Raven says, smoothing Octavia’s hair back from her face. She still has the ventilator tube in.

“She stayed pretty stable during surgery,” the nurse says.

“Good.”

“Her blood pressure seems to be evening out a bit too. I think we’re going to see her start to stabilize.”

She nods. “I hope so.”

Raven works on homework and emails people from her grad school cohort to see if she’s missed any important assignments in class or labs. Every once in a while, she takes one of Octavia’s hands in hers, rubbing it to try and keep circulation going. Her hands still have red and purple dots on them, but the blood vessels haven’t completely failed, and Raven wills them to stay that way.

The nurse had been correct about her starting to stabilize. She finally beats her fever and her blood pressure comes up to a more normal level. She has a setback with her kidneys on the third day after surgery when her renal numbers plummet. The doctor almost starts dialysis because her numbers are nearing kidney failure, but with some aggressive treatment, they start functioning at a more acceptable level.

The fourth day following Octavia’s amputation, the doctor comes in and says he wants to try weaning Octavia off the ventilator. Raven is surprised at this, but it actually goes okay. They wean for most of that Saturday and Octavia wakes up around noon on Sunday. She’s mildly sedated so she won’t freak out at still having a tube down her throat.

Clarke notices that her eyes are open and says, “Well, look who’s up!”

Raven glances up and quickly makes her way to Octavia’s side. 

“Hi O. Hi sweetheart.” She puts her hand in Octavia’s and squeezes it. She squeezes back, but looks confused and scared.

“You’re in the hospital. You’re going to be okay.”

She seems agitated and keeps going to touch her ventilator tube. Raven has to hold both her hands so she’ll leave them alone.

By late afternoon, the doctor has the ventilator removed. They have her on an oxygen tube in her nose, but they’ve stopped sedating her. She’s still barely lucid, but Raven is desperate to interact with her.

“How’re you feeling, honey?”

Octavia moans.

“I’m here. It’s okay.”

“Owwww.”

“What hurts?”

“My... uh.... my.... head. And... and my legs,” she says, slurring her words as if she’s not exactly where her tongue and lips are.

Raven gets a pang in her chest.

“I feel... bad.”

“You’ve been really sick, baby. You just rest.”

“It really hurts.” 

“You had to have surgery. You’re okay.”

Raven is utterly thankful that Octavia doesn’t ask any questions before falling back asleep. She’s not sure how she’s going to tell her that she lost her feet and half of her left leg. She’s also concerned at how out of it Octavia had acted considering she isn't on any medications that should affect her cognition. She hopes it’s just due to exhaustion but wonders if the infection is still affecting her girlfriend’s brain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment and let me know what you're enjoying in this story and if there's anything you'd like to see! Thanks so much for reading!


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